Yours, Mine, Ours

I read an article recently about whether or not it is appropriate to discipline another child who is misbehaving, specifically at a playdate where you know both the parents and the child, although this may also be true in a public setting. The article concluded that you should never tell another parent how to parent and that you should never discipline someone else's child. Unfortunately, this kind of advice may leave your child open to harm, or at the least, the suggestion that these behaviors are tolerated in other children and open for mimicry.

Our toddler is 21 months old, which is the perfect age for bullying to begin. They are very mobile at this point and have a strong sense of possessiveness. Also, several children at this age may still be an only child, with baby #2 on the way (or not) and have not yet entered preschool. So the daily environment at home tends to cater to children getting their own way at this age. Also, communication tends to remain fairly simple as each child differs in vocabulary and expressiveness (although there's no mistaking the possessiveness of snatching a toy and shouting "mine!").

Throughout the winter, we have also had many more indoor playdates and "outings" than over the warmer months, so there has been a greater risk of children not wanting to share toys and playing in a confined space. All of this leads to the increased incidents of bullying in the last few months, covering a wide spectrum from a mild snatching of a toy to a more egregious hitting or shoving or even biting. And much of the time, a child who acts up regularly at playgroups or out in public is strongly correlated with a parent who ignores the behavior or explains away the behavior without any correction.

Now, while I agree that it is best for every individual to define parenting for themselves, at the same time, I will not allow my child to be placed in a harmful environment. I wouldn't allow her to play near a pool without supervision and swimming lessons, or to play near a lit fireplace, or to run around with sharp objects, why would I subject her to repeated incidents of bullying when I can prevent it? So for playgroups in someone's home or confined spaces where you know the temperament of the children and the parents, I think it is perfectly reasonable to remove your child from these situations when bullying becomes physically harmful, or even to leave the playgroup temporarily to see if the situation corrects itself.

For public play areas, or during a playgroup when you witness misbehavior, there is a difference between stepping in and diffusing a situation or setting a good example versus outright discipling another child. Any kind of actual discipline should remain at the discretion of the child's actual parent, but if another child hits or pushes or bites or throws something at my child, I will not stand by and allow it to progress. A firm "that's not nice and we don't hit/push/bite/throw," and distraction with other toys may help. If the situation heats up or is repetitive, removing your child to another part of the play area may also help diffuse the situation. But in the end, you may need to confront the parent of the misbehaving child and remove yourselves from the environment.

Many experts agree that children need boundaries and will naturally mimic behavior they observe in others. Children develop these boundaries, and an innate sense of morality, using the reactions of their parents, both positive and negative. Without any kind of positive or negative reaction to a behavior, children will assume that it is allowable and continue to act out in whatever manner they wish to express themselves. It is important therefore, to set an example AS the behavior occurs, not at some point later on when the child is no longer engaged in the act. Getting down at their level, looking them in the eyes, and using a firm tone to explain that the behavior is "not nice" and what is expected of them, is important to establishing these boundaries.

And hopefully in the end, they develop into adolescents who are self-confident and capable of working with others and compassionate towards one another. Or at the very least, they grow into kids who can play together for the hour it takes parents to unwind with one another and regain a sense of sanity in camaraderie without bashing each other in the face with a Tickle-Me-Elmo. Well, one can dream . . .